Saturday, December 03, 2016

An Overly Detailed Medical Post Involving Ladyparts

These socks are awesome.

Trigger warning for talk of womanparts and medical details.* I had a procedure done, minor surgery to remove a uterine polyp (our family's full of polyps, as my mom would say) and do an endometrial ablation.* The backstory is that I got diagnosed with a startlingly serious bout of anemia this summer which led to a whole bunch of testing to find out why--apparently my iron levels were low enough that I had to be losing blood somehow. Among other things, mainly the fact that I most likely haven't been absorbing iron from vegetable sources very well (possibly for years), I have also been having heavy periods. Ladies of a Certain Age, ask me about perimenopause! So this is my gynecologist's preferred treatment of what's officially called menorrhagia.

Told you there'd be womanparts and medical details.

I was mostly worried I'd get silly coming out of general anesthesia, but I think I pulled it off okay, aside from telling everyone, "Thank you so much!" over and over again. Which I probably would have done even without the drugs. My first thought when I woke up was "Damn, that was such an interesting dream and I've already forgotten it," and my second thought was "I LOVE SURGERY," which I happily did not say out loud.

Before walking awkwardly into surgery, clutching my johnny around me as a nurse led me by the IV line, I listened to my doctor explain the risks in a reassuring way, and add at the end: "Rarely, we can't complete the procedure because of the shape of the uterus. If the uterus is too big, the machine just won't fit correctly." And I thought, but didn't say, "The machine?!"

Oh, another thing: my hospital bracelet said "Mary," and so they all called me Mary (my gyn typically goes back and forth between that and remembering that I go by Liz). I decided it was preferable, since it made me feel a little like it was someone else who was having surgery, my alter ego.

I liked the whole cast of characters. My favorite was Julia, the post-op nurse who called me "my dear," despite being at least 15 years younger than I am, and my least favorite was also the only man, Dr Somebody the anesthesiologist. But he was fine, and we talked about the weather and speculated about whether it would snow a lot this winter, and in the end he was my best best friend of all.

If you would care for more information on this medical adventure, you can check out this Web MD link, which is full of funny details like this one, under Why It Is Done: "Childbearing is completed." Check! Childbearing, completed. I also see that it can be done via freezing, laser, electricity, or "microwave." Hmm. I see my doctor as a laser beam type.

Now I am just achy and crampy and confined to the couch for the rest of today. Mark is spoiling me with lattes and baked treats and tuna melts and foot rubs.

*No, seriously.

*Endometrial ablation is a procedure that destroys (ablates) the uterine lining, or endometrium.

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